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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Advertisement Democracy Dies in Darkness AdviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice AdviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice CAROLYN HAX: A CAREGIVER’S BODY IS FAILING, BUT FAMILY’S NEEDS PERSIST What do you do when your body can’t handle the stress anymore, but the family struggles don’t stop? 3 min 574 (Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post) Column by Carolyn Hax October 23, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EDT Hi, Carolyn: I have what might be a new one for you. I am under a tremendous amount of family stress. Single adult child so gravely ill that I have to travel an hour several times a week to his house to keep an eye on him and make sure he’s fed. A daughter who has a severe developmental disability and a going-bankrupt group-home provider. Wonderful parents and a beloved mother-in-law who are all in their 80s and almost every week my husband and I are tag-teaming hospital stays. Brother-in-law who died by suicide a couple of years ago, leaving four daughters from 8 to 18. Just so, so, so much stress. Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post You can cancel anytime. Subscribe I had great therapy when my daughter was born 30 years ago. I have stellar relationships with my husband, all our parents, siblings and both kids. There was significant work to get there, but that was a long time ago and all the gains have endured. But the problem is — my body is breaking down. I’ve always had narcolepsy, but in the past six months, I’ve also had a scary transient ischemic attack and three bouts of colitis, to the point I can’t stand up. My doctor offered antidepressants but agreed I’m not depressed, so she didn’t think that was the right answer. I long ago learned meditation to help manage my chronic illness, which helped that, but doesn’t help whenever I have to puzzle through one of these issues I can’t control. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement So — I have lots of friends who will listen when I need to vent, I make time for exercise regularly, and hubby and I are totally in this together. Do I add therapy, or would that just be another (expensive) commitment? I gotta be on the planet for an extended time for my daughter, who will need care the rest of her life, and her only sibling can’t help. 🗣️ Follow Advice Follow — Too Many Stress Balls in the Air Too Many Stress Balls in the Air: New? Only in how we tweak the phrasing. How does “too much crisis, not enough me” sound? And this is as old as people: The planet or the fates or whoever decides these things does not care one bit how long you gotta. If you break yourself down or brake too late, then everyone counting on you will have to rely on someone else. Story continues below advertisement Is this obvious? Sure. But there’s knowing intellectually, and there’s knowing to do something about it. Advertisement It’s time for you to do something about it, and I don’t mean therapy. (Though try one appointment, why not?) Skip to end of carousel ABOUT CAROLYN HAX (For The Washington Post) I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram. End of carousel That something is to start planning, methodically, for the network you lovingly built around you to take over when you’re gone. Here’s the simple reason: If you don’t learn to let go, then you can expect your health to keep speeding downhill, forcing everyone onto that Plan B sooner rather than later. More abruptly and messily than needed, I’d guess. “Let go” doesn’t mean to stop loving or caring, of course. It just means to stop pretending you alone can hold back the tide. Story continues below advertisement Instead, you accept the inevitable time after you, when others must step in for you — then start to implement that Plan B now. Ease the transition and maybe reap the benefit of extending your (helpful) life. I won’t get into respite care or medical chaperones or widening helper circles or video-chatting loved ones’ appointments instead of attending in person. This isn’t about how you let go and delegate so much as it is just pushing yourself to do it. Don’t say you can’t, or you’ll make me quote de Gaulle on indispensable men. And nobody wants that. MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: Their sex life ‘sucks,’ but husband says ‘it’s fine’ A grieving boyfriend wants nothing to do with girlfriend’s parents After discovering affairs, scorched earth isn’t a level playing field Stepparent abandons stepkids after spouse dies Brother’s girlfriend dominates every conversation More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is Oct. 25 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary Show more Share 574 Comments NewsletterThursdays for 12 weeks Voraciously: Meal Plan of Action Dinner needs a game plan. Menus and meal prep guides for the week ahead — every Thursday for 12 weeks. Sign up Recommended for you Recommended by Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. 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