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Gender-Neutral Pronouns 101: Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
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Culture

GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS 101: EVERYTHING YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW

From how to use them to their surprising history, here are answers to your most
common questions about gender-neutral pronouns.

By Devin-Norelle

May 22, 2020
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It goes without saying that language is invaluable; how we express ourselves to
others has a huge impact on how we see ourselves and construct our identities.
Language is far from static, too — cultures change over time, and the words we
use to refer and relate to each other also shift, adapting to encompass new
concepts and ideas within society. The pronouns we use are no exception, and
with the increased visibility of those who identify as nonbinary or use
gender-neutral pronouns — including public figures like Sam Smith, Brigette
Lundy-Paine, and others — you’ve likely met or heard of someone who goes by
pronouns that aren’t “he” or “she.”

Gender-neutral pronouns aren’t a fad, and they aren’t new, either. Throughout
the history of the English language, pronouns have evolved to adapt to the
circumstances of the times. The plural “they” shifted to a singular “they”
several centuries ago, when writers went in search of a more gender-neutral
pronoun; multiple gender-neutral pronouns have come about since and been
embraced by members of the trans and nonbinary communities. Third-person
pronouns like “xe/xem” or “ze/zim” are growing increasingly popular. Likewise,
it is becoming more common for people to avoid using pronouns altogether, and
instead just use their name in all circumstances.

This gain in popularity reflects both a need for more inclusivity in the
language we use and a desire to keep us all connected. When trans people like
myself hear others use gender-neutral pronouns, whether in regards to other
people or when referring to us directly, we feel seen. It’s an acknowledgement
and recognition of our existence. The usage of these pronouns and names
validates both our identities and experiences, and helps us to continue feeling
connected to others, as the culture surrounding us continues to shift and
evolve.

Below, you’ll find answers to some common questions surrounding the use of
gender-neutral pronouns like “they/them,” “ze/zim,” “sie/hir,” and others, and a
guide to how you can use them in everyday conversation.

WHAT ARE “XE/XEM,” “ZE/ZIM,” “SIE/HIR,” AND OTHER GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS?

You may have recently heard of the pronouns “they,” “ze,” “xe,” or “hir” and
thought to yourself, what in the world is “ze?” Ze, hir, xe, and the singular
they are gender-neutral pronouns that initially arose out of the necessity for
pronouns that were more inclusive of women, and later to be more inclusive of a
wide spectrum of genders. Trans and nonbinary people like myself sought out
these pronouns or created new ones because we felt he or she weren’t suitable
for our needs or identity. Gender-neutral pronouns don’t assume a gender for the
person or persons being discussed. They can be used to refer to anyone in
conversation. More importantly, they can be validating for anyone who lives
beyond the binary.

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While gender-neutral pronouns have risen in popularity over the last few years,
the trans and nonbinary communities have embraced and advocated for their use
since the late 20th century. But their existence, and debates around their
necessity, have long predated public advocacy from trans communities.
Gender-neutral pronouns have been coined and discussed publicly for centuries.

WHAT IS THE HISTORY OF GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS?

Since the mid-1800s, dozens of gender-neutral pronoun alternatives have been
proposed, advocated for, adopted, and fallen out of favor. Few have caught on
widely — but just because you might be seeing “xe/xem” or “ze/zir” for the first
time today doesn’t mean they’re new.

Critical discussions about the use of and need for gender-neutral pronouns date
back to the late 18th century. According to Dennis Baron, a professor of English
and Linguistics at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign and author of
What’s Your Pronoun?: Beyond He or She, gender-neutral pronouns were discussed
frequently among local newspapers and periodicals starting in 1789.

“[‘They’ is] a natural way to use a pronoun to refer to someone whose gender is
unknown or irrelevant,” says Baron. “In some cases it was used to conceal the
gender of the person they were talking about because they were gossiping or
because revealing the person’s identity could put them in danger.” Charles
Dickens used they to anonymize gender in The Pickwick Papers, for example.

The singular “they” was common until the Victorian era, when gender-neutral
pronouns defaulted to “he” as encompassing both the masculine and feminine.
People recognized the limits of “he” and argued that it was insufficient —
anyone who read “he” would immediately think of men, and not women.

"The pronoun ‘hir’ was coined in 1920 by a newspaper in California, The
Sacramento Bee,” Baron explains. “They tried using that off and on from the
1920s through to the 1940s.” “Ze,” often assumed to be a more recently coined
term, was created by “a writer identified only as J. W. L.” in 1864, Baron
writes. In 1858, an American composer named Charles Crozat Converse invented the
pronoun “thon” (short for “that one”), which even made it into well-regarded
dictionaries — Funk and Wagnalls' Standard Dictionary in 1903, and Webster’s
Second New International Dictionary in 1934 — but never caught on in popular
usage. What's clear is that these pronouns have a long history within languages,
one that's still evolving today.

HOW DO I CONJUGATE AND USE GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS IN SPEECH AND WRITING?

There are tons of gender-neutral pronouns out there, and certainly too many to
exhaustively list in this guide. Here are a few common ones; note that there are
variants and different ways to spell many of these pronouns, so what you see
here may not match the gender-neutral pronouns you might see in use by others.

According to the Gender Census 2019, an online survey about how LGBTQ+ people
self-identify in terms of gender and pronoun use, the most frequently used
gender-neutral pronoun among 11,242 respondents was “they,” followed by “xe.”
Many said they choose to avoid using pronouns altogether.

Perhaps you’re not sure yet how to use these gender neutral pronouns in a
sentence. Let’s say we work together and you needed to refer to me in an email,
but didn’t want to have to constantly use my name. My pronouns are ze/zim/zis.
Simply replace the H from he, him, or his with a Z. Perhaps your email would
look something along the lines of:

“Devin-Norelle and I discussed the final project today, and ze said ze will take
care of most of the legwork. Once I add my slides to the powerpoint, I’ll send
it over to zim to edit down.”

Other examples might include:

Where did ze go?

I needed to deliver this package to zim.

These keys belong to zim.

Zis pronouns are ze/zim/zis.

I NOTICED “THEY” ON THIS LIST, BUT USING THEY OR THEM FOR A SINGLE PERSON IS
GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT. A PERSON USING THEY OR THEM IS STILL CLAIMING THEY ARE
TWO PEOPLE.

I’m sure someone has made similar complaints about the word “you.”

“The singular you came about in the 17th century. Prior to then, you was always
plural. Now we’ve sort of forgotten,” says Baron.

We’ve also forgotten that the singular they has been used by English speakers
and writers since the 14th century. It’s appeared in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and
even in the much-dreaded Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer.

So, again, the singular they isn’t just some made up conspiracy — it's simply
reclaiming its time.

HOW DO I GET SOMEONE’S PRONOUNS? DO I ASK THEM?

If you’re meeting someone one-on-one for the first time and don’t know their
pronouns, you could start by sharing your own when making an introduction.
Offering your own pronouns first helps make others more comfortable sharing
their own: “I’m Devin-Norelle and my pronouns are ze/zim, nice to meet you.”
Then you can ask for their name and pronouns, or more simply ask, “how may I
address you?”

When there’s other people around or you’re in a group, never single out one
person and ask them to share their pronouns if you think they don’t go by “he”
or “she” — doing so can out them as trans or nonbinary to people who might not
otherwise know, potentially creating an unsafe situation. I’ve both heard and
experienced horror stories where people who are simply perceived as trans were
approached by strangers asking their pronouns, potentially outing them in front
of other strangers or friends who may not have known they were trans.

In a group setting, it’s best to offer your name and pronouns and ask everyone
to go around to share their own. Asking and using correct pronouns are powerful
opportunities to show respect, and it should be a common practice, no matter how
those we share company with identify. Even people we assume are cisgender might
also use gender-neutral pronouns. In the event that you don’t know someone’s
pronouns, you can use they/them/theirs or simply refer to them by their name
until you do.

WHAT DO I DO IF I MISPRONOUN SOMEONE WHO USES GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS?

We all make mistakes, and you likely will the first handful of times you’re
referring to someone by pronouns you’re not familiar with. It’s okay! Briefly
apologize, correct yourself, and continue the conversation. Apologizing
profusely can draw unnecessary attention to or cause embarrassment for someone
who uses gender-neutral pronouns. Quickly acknowledge your mistake and correct
yourself, and then continue on with the conversation.

If you hear someone else use incorrect pronouns for someone else, don’t point it
out, but affirm the correct pronouns in your own speech and address them
privately later, unless you have been given permission to speak up in the
moment. Sometimes, pointing out that someone has made a mistake can again shift
unwarranted and embarrassing attention to the person with gender neutral
pronouns.

WHAT IF I’M UNABLE TO ASK SOMEONE ABOUT THEIR PRONOUNS?

Sometimes, we don’t get an opportunity to introduce ourselves and inquire about
another person’s pronouns before we have to refer to them — but there are other
ways to approach the situation when we don’t have the information we need. First
and foremost, when we don’t know, we should default to they/them pronouns, or if
you feel uncomfortable using any pronouns at all, default to using their name.
The singular they is unassuming, all-inclusive, and can be used to refer to
anyone. If used in conversation, it also allows another person to correct you if
they happen to have the right information. (And once you do know someone’s
correct pronouns, use those — don’t just continue to use they/them.)

Another method is by asking a mutual friend or acquaintance. For example,
perhaps you’ve started a new job, met a friendly co-worker, and while in
conversation, you realize you have not had a chance to ask another coworker
their pronouns. They just came up in conversation, and you assume they are cis,
but don’t want to make an assumption. It’s ok to ask that worker for their
pronouns. It’s important to note that this should happen whether your discussing
a cis person or trans person. By only asking the pronouns of a trans person, you
are singling them out, and potentially outing them.

WHAT ABOUT HONORIFICS?

The most well-known gender-neutral honorific is Mx.! There are many more,
including Misc., Msr., Myr., Pr., and Sai. But many people chose not to use
honorifics at all, in which case, just stick to their name.

WHY ARE PRONOUNS SO IMPORTANT?

“I think acknowledging people by their pronouns (regardless if chosen or not)
accurately, intentionally, and respectfully identifies them. When my pronouns
are used my identity is affirmed,” says Indya Moore, a non-binary actor and
advocate.

What Moore implies is that we can’t ever assume a person’s gender or how they
identify. For many, gender identity and gender presentation are drastically
different. For example, I am often perceived as a man, but I don’t identify as
one. So when people call me “he” and sometimes even “she,” I squirm, cringe, and
pout. It's frustrating when people assume I am a man or identify as a man
because I have a beard. Whenever I’m asked for my pronouns, I feel validated.

Lastly, we should always remember that although it is commonplace for us to say,
“preferred pronouns,” someone’s pronouns are never “preferred.” Activists remind
us that by calling pronouns “preferred,” it would suggest they are not real or
should not be respected. Pronouns are just our pronouns. They are not preferred.

SO WE’LL JUST BE MAKING UP ANY WORDS WE WANT NOW?

Isn’t this how language works? We’ve been doing so for centuries and we make up
words all the time in our daily lives. Sometimes we combine words to form a new
one, or adapt words from other languages. We create words with our family and
friends. That’s how slang works and how new terms enter our lexicon.

“Sometimes, people pick up on a particular word, it becomes ingrained in the
broader language. So yes, people are making up pronouns, especially if they
don’t like the ones that are available,” explains Baron. This does not
invalidate pronouns, or make them any less real then other made up words of our
language. They are as valid as words borrowed from other languages and combined
to form a new, relevant word.

HOW DO I PRACTICE USING GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS?

Ask your friends if you can practice using they/them on them, even if they
aren’t trans. Practice makes perfect, and it's superb allyship. Imagine walking
into a room with strangers and you introduce yourself along with your pronouns
and ask everyone to do the same. Chances are, if there’s a trans person in that
room who is not out, they might immediately feel welcomed to the space by your
gesture. And if there isn’t a trans person, welp, a room full of strangers just
learned something new. It’s an excellent ice breaker!

If you don’t have friends to practice with, there are apps and websites
dedicated to your growth! At a website called Practice with Pronouns, you can
practice using any set of pronouns and get a sense of how they’d be used in a
sentence.

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