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HOW TO USE GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS

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Nicole Dieker
9/24/19 2:25PM
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Filed to:gender-neutral
gender-neutrallanguagepronounsEtiquette
435
13


Illustration by Angelica Alzona/GMG

Merriam-Webster officially added the singular non-binary “they” to their
dictionary this year, signaling a major shift in how we view and accept
gender-neutral pronouns and putting the kibosh on people who refuse to use
they/them because it’s “grammatically incorrect.” If you’re still not used to
this kind of inclusive language—come on people, it’s 2019!—here’s a handy
primer.


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WHY USE GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS?

There are a lot of good reasons to get into the habit of using gender-neutral
pronouns, but here are the two big ones:

 * You can refer to individuals or groups of people without assuming (or
   guessing) their gender—and without assuming they’re men or women. (Gender is
   not a binary.)
 * When you know that a person uses gender-neutral pronouns, it’ll be easier for
   you to use those pronouns naturally, without having to “translate” in your
   head before you speak.

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Gender-neutral pronouns are great because they allow you to speak to and about
individuals without making what might be incorrect assumptions about their
gender. Just because someone appears feminine or masculine doesn’t mean they are
a man or a woman, after all—they could be agender or nonbinary, or simply differ
from your expectations of what a man or a woman looks like. Using gender-neutral
pronouns allows you to include all people when you speak, and encourages others
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WHAT ARE SOME COMMON GENDER-NEUTRAL PRONOUNS?

“They” is the most commonly used gender-neutral pronoun—in fact, you probably
already use “they” in your everyday language without thinking about it.


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I talked to the customer service rep, and they helped me fix the problem.

It looks like someone left their jacket on this chair. 

I don’t know who’s in charge, but we should find them.

Even though “they” can be used as a plural pronoun (i.e. to refer to a group of
people), people tend to automatically use “they” as a singular pronoun when they
don’t know someone’s gender. “They” is also one of the more popular pronouns
used by people who are agender or nonbinary (and, of course, according to
Merriam-Webster, it’s now official.)

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This means it should be relatively easy to add “they/them/theirs” to your
vocabulary. Use “they” to refer to specific people who have told you it’s their
pronoun, but don’t forget to use it for anyone whose gender you don’t know—which
is, as I noted above, pretty much everyone you don’t know personally.


It looks like that’s the person we’re supposed to meet. Look, they’re waving at
us.

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(Before you ask: yes, it is appropriate to use “they” as a singular pronoun in
both academic and journalistic work. It’s even in the AP Stylebook.)

Here are some other gender-neutral pronouns that people might request you use:

 * Ey/em/eir/eirs
 * Ne/nem/nir/nirs
 * Xe/xem/xyr/xyrs
 * Ze/hir/hir/hirs
 * Ze/zir/zir/zirs

These aren’t the only gender-neutral pronouns out there—and since language is
continuously growing and changing, don’t be surprised if we develop new
gender-neutral pronouns in the next few years.

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Also: if you’re looking for a gender-neutral word to use in place of
Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms., try Mx, pronounced “mix” or “mux.” 



“HE OR SHE” IS NOT GENDER NEUTRAL

Many of us are used to saying “he or she” when we mean people of all genders—and
many of us are old enough to remember when “he or she” was seen as the inclusive
language choice. (Believe it or not, people used to just say “he,” and we
referred to the world in masculine terms: mankind, salesman, etc.)

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However, using “he or she” excludes people who are agender or nonbinary. This is
a great opportunity for you to swap out a binary-exclusive phrase for one that
is both gender neutral and inclusive:

 * Instead of “he or she,” use “they,” “them,” “this person,” etc.
 * Instead of greeting a crowd with “ladies and gentlemen,” use “gentlefolk,”
   “y’all,” or a gender-neutral phrase like “Hello, everybody!”

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Also—and this goes without saying—try to avoid referring to a group of people as
“you guys.” Although some people consider “you guys” a gender-neutral term,
others find it exclusive, since “guys” is traditionally masculine. (As Slate
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DON’T FORGET ABOUT PRONOUNS WITHIN NOUNS

Some nouns include gendered pronouns, and other nouns imply a gender binary even
if they don’t include a pronoun. (Think “waiter/waitress.”) Be aware of what
you’re saying. Most of us automatically use words like “humankind” and
“congressperson,” so this shouldn’t be a huge shift for you—but do your best to
choose gender-neutral terms like “server.”

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You should also be aware of other opportunities to avoid the gender binary, such
as using the phrase “people who menstruate” instead of “women who menstruate.”

HOW CAN YOU LEARN SOMEONE’S PRONOUNS?

Sometimes it’s easy to learn a person’s pronouns. They’ll tell you when they
introduce themselves, or they’ll write their pronouns on a name tag or include
them in a social media profile.

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However, it’s not necessarily a good idea to ask a stranger about their
pronouns. Even though it feels like the right thing to do, be aware that you
might be asking someone to out themselves as trans, agender, or nonbinary—which
they may not feel comfortable doing, depending on the situation. (Imagine a
conservative workplace.)

Instead, you could start a conversation about pronouns by sharing your own:

I’m Nicole, and my pronouns are she/her.

Sharing your pronouns gives other people the option to share theirs without
asking them directly. Also: notice that the example above uses the phrase “my
pronouns,” not “my preferred pronouns.” Although you will occasionally hear the
term “preferred pronouns,” it’s not always the best term to use because it
implies that a person’s gender is just a preference.

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Once you learn someone’s pronouns, don’t make a big deal out of it if you
accidentally use the incorrect pronoun. Saying “sorry, I meant they” is fine;
saying “I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry, I’m really trying” is making the moment
about you. Show that you’re trying by using the correct pronouns for the rest of
the conversation.

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Once you get in the habit of using gender-neutral pronouns, you’ll realize how
easy it is to refer to people without making assumptions about gender. I’ve used
gender-neutral pronouns throughout this article, and it didn’t stop you from
understanding what I was trying to communicate. The more you use gender-neutral
pronouns, the more all of us will start incorporating gender-neutral terms into
our vocabulary—and the more inclusive our language will become.

This story was originally published on 12/19/17 and has been updated on 9/24/19
with new information and images. 

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Nicole Dieker
Posts

Nicole Dieker has been writing about personal finance for nearly a decade. She's
also the author of The Biographies of Ordinary People, a Millennial-era Little
Women.

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